What I've Done
by ULTRAnumb
Summary: Edward's point of view of 'Without You'. Although it's the same story, I'd suggest reading 'Without You' as well, as there is more written, and it will help this one make sense. ExB. AH. M for Bad language to come and some other stuff. no lemons though.
1. My World

**Ok, so people have asked me about doing a chappie of Without You (aka WOY) in Edward's point of view.**

**I don't want to jump points of view with that story, so I am doing a re-write of it as told by Edward.**

**I don't know how often I will update, as I am more concerned with keeping up with the original, but I hope this helps with people's curiosity as to how Edward feels about everything that happens in WOY.**

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**E POV – Fourteen years old**

I was walking around Forks, bored as hell.

I was bored because my best friend was away for the summer break.

My best friend was Isabella Swan. But she preferred to be called Izzy.

My Izzy-bee.

She was a true tomboy. I don't think I'd seen her wear a dress since she was about five. That was when her mom, Renee, had left, and Izzy had wanted to stay here in Forks with her dad, Charlie.

She always said that she would never go anywhere I wasn't.

We had been best friend since we were three years old. Our moms had met a couple of days before we did. My mom, Esme, invited Renee to come over when she had discovered that she had a daughter the same age as me. Izzy became my best friend instantly. We were inseparable from then on.

I was missing her so much right now. I had just had my 14th birthday, and Izzy hadn't been there. I knew it wasn't her fault, and didn't hold it against her. Her mom had wanted her to visit for the whole summer. It's just that we hadn't celebrated our birthdays without the other since we had met.

I sighed and kicked a stone across the road.

_I'm so sad. She's only been gone for a week._

Still, she was my best friend. I didn't really have any other friends. I talked to other people, but I never hang out with anyone else.

Not that I cared. So long as I had Izzy, I was perfectly happy.

She was all I needed.

No one knew me like she did. Not even my family.

Izzy knew my deepest fears, and my ambitions.

I knew Izzy would always be in my life.

I loved her with all my heart.

Just seeing her made me smile.

She was such a truly good person. I never understood why she was unpopular. Ok, so she didn't care what she looked like, unlike all the other girls at school. Ok, so she looked younger than she was. But she had the biggest heart of anyone I knew. And that's saying something when you know my family.

Izzy was an only child, but my family had taken her in right away. My sister Alice was only two and a bit years older than us, and, being the only girl, loved having Izzy around. My brother Emmett absolutely adored Izzy, too. He always said she was his other sister. He was so protective of her. He teased her no end, but it was all in good fun, and he never upset her. But he was five years older than us, so we didn't really hang out with him unless we were at home.

I knew Emmett was going to miss Izzy as much as he would miss the rest of the family when he went to college soon.

I carried on walking, wishing Izzy was here, when I heard people talking.

I knew that nasty nasally voice anywhere.

Jessica Stanley.

The girl who made my Izzy's life a misery.

For some reason, she had decided that she hated Izzy and that she had to constantly push her around and treat her like crap.

"Anyway, as I was saying before Mike butted in, I have a great way to get Swan!"

I stood frozen as I heard the next words out of her mouth.

They wanted to......NO!

NO! They couldn't! They couldn't hurt my Izzy! I wouldn't let them!

"NO!" I cried as I came back to the real world and unfroze.

They whipped round and saw me standing behind them.

Mike and Tyler ran over and grabbed my arms to stop me moving.

"I take it you heard what we were saying then?" Jessica said.

I just nodded, unable to speak.

She just stared at me.

"What, nothing to say about us bullying your stupid best friend?" she laughed.

"What you just planned is beyond bullying. Bullying is name calling and shoving. _That_ isn't bullying. That's -"

"Yeah. Whatever. What are _you_ going to do about it?" Mike Newton sneered.

"Anything!" I cried. "Anything! Just, please...don't do this! Please don't hurt her!!"

Mike laughed but Jessica told him to shut up.

"Anything, huh?" she asked wickedly.

"Anything. Please!" I begged.

I gulped as I saw a cruel smirk appear on Jessica's face.

"Anything? Hmmmm...."

She paced a moment, pretending to think. I knew from the look on her face that she already knew what she was going to ask.

"Ok. I've got it. You have to start dating me."

"Date _you_?!"

"Yeah. Date me. Oh! And you have to stop hanging around little Izzy!"

"What?" I yelled. "No! Why should I stop hanging around her?! She's my best friend!"

"Well, I guess we could always just carry on with our little plan...."

"NO! No....I...."

"Yes?" she prompted, grinning evilly.

"I....." I couldn't let them hurt Izzy. Even if I had to do something as disgusting and loathsome as dating Jessica. I'd do anything to protect Izzy.

"Ok." I whispered in defeat.

"I'm sorry, what was that?!" Jessica snickered.

"I said...'ok'. I'll do it."

"You'll date me?"

"Yes."

"Say it then. I won't believe you unless you say it!"

"I...I'll date you." The words tasted like ash in my mouth. I wanted to gag.

I heard a cruel laugh from Jessica.

"And you'll stop being friends with Swan?"

Ah. Now those words would kill me to say. But I knew I had to. I had to stop them harming her.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, and fought back my tears.

"Yes." I gasped out.

"You can't tell her about this little deal, either."

"No."

"If you tell her, then the deal will be over, and we can do what we won't to her."

"I won't tell her."

"Good."

She walked over and kissed me on the lips. It was only a single kiss, that lasted a split second, but it was enough to make me feel ill.

"Just to seal the deal." she told me, before turning and walking away.

She signalled for Mike and Tyler to let me go.

"Wait!" I called.

She looked over her shoulder at me.

"Do you promise?" I asked. I had to be sure. "Will you not hurt Izzy?"

"So long as you keep your end of the bargin."

With that, she left with the others in tow, leaving me in the forest. Alone.

I knew that my will power would be tested once we started school after the holidays and I saw Izzy again.

I knew that my life would never be the same now.

_I'm so sorry Izzy! Please don't hate me for this! I just can't let them hurt you! I'm so sorry! I love you Izzy-bee!_

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**Ha! I'm such a bitch! I bet all of you who have read Without You are soooo pissed at me right now! Bet you all thought I was gonna give away Jessica's plan! Ha! No such luck!**

**I still haven't reached that point in WOY, so why would I put it here and spoil the story?! Hehe!**

**Anyway, what do you think? **

**Should I carry on with the re-write?**

**Please review, darlings.**

**I feel all warm and fuzzy inside when you do!**

**~ULTRAnumb.**

**x-x-x**


	2. End Of Days

**E POV**

I wanted to die.

I haven't even seen Izzy yet, as she only got back home late last night.

I didn't know how I was going to cope today. I wanted to go and meet her, just like I did every morning. I wanted to walk to school with her. I wanted see her smiling.

I loved Izzy's smile.

Jessica and her friends always called her ugly.

I didn't think so. Ok, so she wasn't overly beautiful, she was short and chubby and had plain, short hair, but she had a brilliant smile, and her eyes were lovely too. I had always thought that Izzy was quite pretty. She'd be prettier if she let her hair grow though. Or wore more girly clothes occasionally.

I really had to stop thinking about her. I'd never be able to keep my end of the bargain if I didn't.

I skipped all the classes I had with Izzy. I couldn't risk seeing her. I knew it would hurt too much. I was terrified about lunch though. I knew I'd see her there. There was no way I could escape that.

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I was standing in the queue, getting my lunch (and Jessica's), glancing around nervously when I saw her.

She was standing in the doorway, looking around the room. Searching. For me.

I cringed when she spotted me. She looked so happy to see me.

"Edward!" she cried running up to me and hugging me. "Where were you this morning? You didn't turn up to meet me! I was worried something was wrong!"

Something _is_ wrong. And oh god, I'd upset her already. I'd worried her.

"Edward? What's wrong? Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Nothing's wrong." I replied, my voice sounded strained to me.

Izzy pulled back and looked at me. She knew that there was something wrong.

I couldn't look her in the eye.

She was suddenly shoved aside as Jessica came up to me. I could see the warning in her eyes.

"Eddie, you coming?" she asked, in a sickly sweet voice.

Izzy stared at me in horror as Jessica draped herself around me. Then she leaned up and kissed me. And I let her. And kissed her back.

I had to. I had to let her know I was sticking to our bargain.

I'm so sorry......

Izzy just stared at me in shock.

I'm so sorry.

"Oh, hi _Izzy_." Jessica sneered. "You look...good."

Her best friend Lauren Mallory let out a loud laugh beside her.

Izzy looked at me, waiting him to tell Jessica to leave her alone.

I didn't.

"Edward..." she whispered brokenly.

I couldn't look at her. Her whisper and the hurt in her voice were killing me inside.

I'm so sorry.

I saw the tears shining in her beautiful eyes and almost lost my self control and gave in.

In that moment I wanted nothing more than to fling my arms around her and hug her with all my might. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was. And how much I loved her.

_Izzy, please...please don't hate me. I just want you safe. I want you to not be harmed. I love you. You're my best friend. And nothing will ever change that in my heart. I'm sorry!_

I was saved from giving in to my desperation to hug her by her stepping back further from me.

She shook her head in disbelieve and then turned and ran.

"Well, I have to admit, I thought you'd pull out of our little bargain as soon as the little weirdo ran up to you. I'm quite impressed." Jessica whispered, grinning smugly.

I just stood and stared at the doors Izzy had run out of.

I'm sorry.

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**One Month Later.....**

One month. One whole month had passed since I had last spoken to Izzy.

I didn't know how I was lasting. I suppose the only thing keeping me going was the fact that, so long as I kept ignoring her, she would be safe. Jessica wouldn't hurt her.

I was standing with Jessica and my 'friends' when I heard her again.

Actually, I felt her before I heard her. I could feel her presence. Because we had never been apart in all the time we'd been friends, I could have been deaf and blind, and I still would have known when Izzy walked into a room.

"Edward." she called softly.

I kept my back to her.

"Edward."

She wasn't going to give up. I was terrified because I so wanted to give in. I wanted to hug her and beg her to forgive me for how I'd been treating her. But I couldn't.

She wasn't going to let go. She had to let go. For my sake as much as hers. I couldn't keep hearing her soft voice calling my name, trying to get me to speak to her.

_I have to make her let go. _

There was only one way to make her let go though, and it would kill me.

_I have to hurt her. I have to make her hate me!_

"Edward."

"What?" I snapped spinning round to face her.

_I have to be cruel to be kind._

"Why?" she asked simply.

"Why what?"

"Why won't you speak to me? Why do you keep ignoring me?"

"Why not?" I answered harshly.

I went to turn back around and she grabbed my arm.

I threw her off of me and glared at her angrily.

"Don't touch me." I hissed.

God, this is so hard! I don't know if I can do this!

Cruel to be kind.

"What did I do? What did I do to make you hate me?!"

"Izzy, I grew up over the summer. I got a girlfriend." God I felt sick.

"What does that have to do with anything? What, you can't be friends with me just because you have a girlfriend?"

"No. I can't be friends with you because I don't want to be." _I'm lying, Izzy. Please understand!_

"You...don't want to be?" she repeated weakly.

"No. You're not cool. Or mature. You're just a little baby, Izzy." _No you're not. You're my best friend._

"But...we've always been friends. Ever since -"

I cut her off angrily.

"Yeah. And that's why I was so unpopular. Because I was friends with you." _Because I only wanted to be friends with you!_

"You never cared though. You never wanted to be popular."

"No, I never thought I would be. But I started getting popular when you weren't around."

"Oh."

"Yeah. You're just a silly little kid Izzy. That's all you'll ever be. You'll always just be fat, baby Izzy." _I'm so sorry!_

She stared at me in utter confusion and hurt.

"Edward...." she whispered. "Please."

"Get lost, Swan. I'm better than that now. You're beneath me." I sneered viscously. _Lies! I love you Izzy!_

My heart felt as though it was breaking.

I knew I'd never come back from this. Izzy had been everything to me.

I couldn't breathe. My throat felt constricted. My head was swimming. All I could see was the lost look in Izzy's eyes.

I felt the tears stinging the backs of my eyes, as I saw the tears rolling down her face.

"Oh look! Fat, baby Izzy's crying!" I heard someone laugh, though it sounded far away.

_Izzy....Please...god, I'm so sorry!_

I watched as she ran away from me. I wanted to run after her. I wanted to pull her into my arms. I wanted to tell her everything.

But I knew I couldn't. I had to protect her.

I'd do anything to protect Izzy. Anything. Even if it made me miserable....even if I felt as though I'd die. I still had to do it. Because Izzy's safety and happiness was more important than how I felt.

_I'm sorry._

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**So. There you go. Second chappie up same night as first! WOOT! Not bad.**

**I am sitting and eating Marks & Spencer choc chip cookies and drinking milk and writing this for you.**

**Enjoy darlings!**

**~ULTRAnumb.**


	3. Somewhere

**E POV – Just nineteen**

Six years. It had been six years since I last spoke to Izzy. Since I last saw her.

The day I told her she was beneath me was the last time I'd ever seen her.

I'd tried speaking to her dad, tried to find out what had happened to her, but he wouldn't talk to me. He just called me a bastard.

_**Flash back**_

_I ran as fast as I could to Izzy's house. I needed to know if she was ok. I hadn't seen her for almost a week. I was worried about what had happened to her._

_I reached her house and banged on the front door. Praying that someone would answer._

_The door opened and there was Chief Swan, his shotgun pointed at my face._

"_What do you want?" he spat furiously._

"_I want to see Izzy." I murmured, not taking my eyes from the gun in my face._

"_You want to see Izzy?! You? The one who took her away from me?!"_

"_Please. I need to talk to her. I need to -"_

_He cut me off angrily, "I trusted you with my daughter! I would never have trusted her safety or happiness with anyone else like I did with you! You were supposed to be her friend! Her best friend! And what did you do?! You turned against her!"_

"_I know. You don't understand though -"_

"_Edward, if I didn't have so much respect for your father, I would have no hesitation in shooting you right now." he told me, deadly calm._

"_Please. Please, I need to talk to Izzy. I need to know -"_

"_Know what?! That you took her away from me?! That she's never coming back to me?"_

_I stared at him in utter disbelieve. He couldn't be saying what I thought he was. He just couldn't!_

"_No, Edward. You can't speak to her. You can't ever speak to her again. Now, get off my property before I shoot you. I will NEVER forgive you for taking my only child from me!"_

_No....No...she couldn't be.....she...NO!_

_I stared at his face. His eyes were red and puffy. His voice was rough and his cheeks were tear stained._

"_Please...please tell me that she's ok!" I cried desperately. "I just need to know that she's alright!"_

"_Alright?! How could she possibly be alright?! Her so called best friend ripped her heart out in front of the school! In what twisted world would she be 'alright' after that?! No, Edward. She is most definitely NOT alright. Not in the slightest. Now get the hell away from my house. And don't ever come back here."_

_**End Flash back**_

I sighed and shook my head, trying to will away the tears I could feel prickling the backs of my eyes.

I missed her. I missed her so much that it hurt. I still had no idea what had happened to Izzy. I didn't even know if she was alive or not.

After that day, I'd slowly lost myself. I wasn't who I used to be. I wasn't who I should have been.

But then again, maybe this _was_ what I was supposed to be. Maybe what I had become was punishment for what I had done to Izzy.

I sighed again and finished packing my bags. I was finally leaving Forks to go to college. I wouldn't have to see the disappointment in my parent's eyes whenever I walked past them. Not that I walked past them often anymore. I hadn't really seen my parents since I was sixteen and I had moved in to Mike Newton's basement. I hadn't been able to handle my parent's disappointment anymore. Every time my mom would look at me, she looked as though she was about to cry. My dad looked at me as though he didn't know who I was anymore. He wasn't the only one. Even I didn't know who I was by then. All I knew was that I wasn't me anymore. And I couldn't take it anymore. Everything that had happened with Izzy had utterly destroyed me. So I looked for ways to escape it. To escape my sad, pathetic, worthless existence. Even if only for a short while. Everything had finally become too much, and there had been a huge argument with my parents and I had run away from home. I hadn't spoken to them since. I hadn't even seen Emmet or Alice since then either. Both of them had been away at college at the time.

Maybe leaving Forks would give me some freedom from the pain. Though I highly doubted that. I didn't believe anything would ever cause the pain to leave me. I just wished that I knew what had happened to Izzy. I wished that, if she was still alive like I hoped, that I could see her once more. Just one more time. To make my peace.But I knew I never would. Even if she was alive ( God, please let her still be alive!) I would never see her again. I would never have a chance to try and make some kinds of amends for what I had done.

I looked around my room carefully to check that I hadn't left anything behind, and saw a small teddy bear sitting behind the edge of the sofa. I carefully picked it up and sighed again. I remembered the day I saw all of Izzy's things sitting on the curb to be thrown out. I had been walking past her house late at night, as I often did, and seen a large cardboard box with sitting there. I saw a teddy sticking out of the top and had snuck up to have a look, curious as to what it was. I had realised that it was one of the toys I had given Izzy over the years. I peeked into the box and saw that it was full of her belongings. I had then and grabbed the box and dragged it home. I knew that Chief Swan would just assume that it had been taken with the rest of the trash. I had sat on my bed with the box in front of me and gone through it. It had contained everything that I had ever given her. The teddies I had won for her at fairs over the years. The books and CD's I'd bought her. Even the CD's I'd made for her. Every picture I had drawn or painted for her. Just...everything. And photos. So many photos. We had taken thousands of photos of ourselves. And all the ones she had had, were in the box. I had hidden the box in the very back of my closet and covered it with a spare bed sheet. I had done the same when I moved into Mike's basement. I was going to do the same at college. No one had ever known about it. And no one ever would. It was my one link to Izzy. It was my most treasured possession. As was every item it contained. I hadn't looked into it since the night I found it, but I knew everything it held. The list had been burned into my brain that night. The only object that I had left out of the box was this little bear. I had given it to her for Valentine's Day when we were nine. It was a pale caramel colour with a dark blue ribbon around its neck. It had one simple word written on the ribbon. 'Forever'.

That's what I had always seen us as. Forever. Whenever I imagined my future when I was younger, I always saw Izzy there. Or rather, I saw the woman I could imagine Izzy growing up to be. I had always wanted her to let her hair grow. I could only imagine how she would have looked with long hair. Everyone always said she was ugly, but I had never seen it. Izzy had always been pretty to me. Yeah, so she was a bit chubby, and yeah she dressed like a boy most of the time. But her smile and her eyes! Her smile lit up her whole face. In my eyes, her smile had always been what made her better than all the other girls. Izzy's smile had never been fake. She never smiled unless she meant it. And her eyes were so deep! I felt as though I could get lost in them. But I never would again.

I sighed for about the hundredth time today, and placed the bear in my backpack just as Mike walked in.

"Hey man." he grinned. "You ready to leave this shit hole?"

"Yeah. More than ready."

Mike grabbed one of my boxes, luckily it wasn't Izzy's box, and headed up the stairs with it. I grabbed the box of Izzy's things and slung my backpack over my shoulder.

I walked up the stairs and out of the front door and placed my things in Mike's car.

I climbed into the passenger side and put my seat belt on.

"Let's leave this town in our dust!" Mike yelled as he put his foot down and tore up the road.

I breathed in deeply and rested my forehead against the window.

_Maybe now, leaving this place behind, I can finally move on from what I did. Maybe I can be free. Something feels so right about this. About going so far away to college. Maybe this will be a really good thing for me. I just wish I was doing this as I planned years ago. With me driving, and Izzy beside me._

I swallowed and turned my face further away from Mike, as I felt a tear roll down my cheek at what might have been. What _should_ have been.

* * *

**So, there you go darlings! A new chappie for you!**

**I just wish to announce that I have in fact, managed to do work on my other stories, and I hope that the next chapters for all will be up by the end of next week.**

**I'm so sorry it is taking so long. Especially with 'Ten Years Is Hard To Forgive and Forget' and 'Enlightenment' I have had some major issues with those two. As soon as I try to write them, POOF! My mind goes blank. I think I have gotten something of a grip on them now though, and as I say, I aim to have something up for all my stories by next week.**

**Till then my dear ones, enjoy this one!**

**~ULTRAnumb**


	4. Amazed

**E POV**

We finally got to the college. I didn't think I could bare being stuck in that fucking car with Mike a moment longer.

Unfortunately, I was also sharing a room with him. Fuck. I quickly shoved the box of Izzy's things in the back of my closet and after unpacking my clothes and things, I put the heavy duty padlock I had used back at Mike's place on it. No one thought anything of it. I always locked my closet. It was just what I did, as far as they knew. Mike wanted to go hang with the others that night, but I claimed I wasn't feeling great, but told him to go anyway.

Once he was gone, I had a smoke and then just collapsed in bed. I needed to just let myself catch up with everything.

I woke up the next day and yawned and stretched.

We didn't actually have any lectures today, we just had to make sure we were registered on the correct courses, and grab some details about them.

* * *

I was laying on my bed, messing with my phone when everyone else came rushing in.

"Hey, man. Feelin better?" Tyler asked.

"Yeah, I suppose."

"Well, good, cos we're going to the 'Welcome to College' thing in the SU bar tonight."

"Ok."

I didn't really feel in the mood to go down there, but whatever.

* * *

Later that evening, I was standing in the student bar, drinking beer, and waiting for some band to come on stage.

I stood and watched the stage as a small girl with long red hair ran onto stage.

"Hello fellow students!" she cried.

A few already drunk people cheered at this point, causing her to giggle.

"I'm Natasha Rye, and I'm the lead guitarist of Apassionata!"

A guy with long blonde hair pulled into a ponytail walked onstage.

"Our kick ass drummer, James Cottee!"

Next was another girl, this time with black hair.

"Our lovely keyboardist, Lacey Anderson!"

A huge Native American looking guy jumped on stage next.

"Our...very tall....bassist, Jacob Black!" The guy laughed at her comment.

We watched as the last member of the band walked on. She had her back to the crowd still.

"And last, but most certainly not least, our talented and beautiful singer! Please welcome the gorgeous Isabella Swan!"

I almost inhaled the beer bottle with my gasp of shock. It couldn't be!

The girl suddenly spun round with a glowing smile.

Izzy! The smile was all the proof I needed. I'd recognise that smile out of millions. Even after six years, it was still the same. She was alive! She was really alive! And she went to the same college as me!

"Hi, there!" she called, nodding to the guitarist to start playing, "this is a faviourite song of mine. This is Escapist by NightWish!"

I stared in disbelief as she started singing. She was incredible! Izzy had always been so shy and quiet. But now! Now she was standing on stage in front of most of the college, singing her heart out.

I took a moment to truly look at her.

She had changed so much in six years. She was slimmer than she used to be. Her hair hung down to her waist in curls. Her face was thinner and it bought out her cheekbones perfectly. Standing on the stage, she oozed confidence and sexiness. She was more than I had ever imagined her being. She was truly perfect. Beautiful.

Suddenly her eyes found us. She stared in utter shock at everyone, before her eyes settled on me. She quickly looked away, but not before I saw the pain and fear in her eyes.

The guitarist ran over and started whispering to her. They whispered furiously, trying to sort something out.

Izzy finally turned back to the front of the stage and grinned out at the audience.

"This song is for someone out there. I won't say who, I wonder if they will know, purely by the lyrics?"

She closed her eyes and started to sing. She sounded like she had been trained as an opera singer!

_**Sparkling angel I believe  
You were my saviour in my time of need.  
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear  
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.  
I see the angels,  
I'll lead them to your door.  
There's no escape now,  
No mercy no more.  
No remorse cause I still remember**_

_**  
**_She shut her eyes tightly as she took a deep breath before launching into the chorus.

_**  
The smile when you tore me apart.  
You took my heart,  
Deceived me right from the start.  
You showed me dreams,  
I wished they'd turn into real.  
You broke a promise and made me realize.  
It was all just a lie.**_

I sighed as I listened to the lyrics. I had certainly broken a promise to Izzy. The promise to always be her friend.

_**Sparkling angel, I couldn't see  
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.  
Fallen angel, tell me why?  
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?  
I see the angels,  
I'll lead them to your door  
There's no escape now  
No mercy no more  
No remorse cause I still remember**_

I had been watching Izzy the whole time she was singing, bitting my lip as I listened but now she looked directly at me. I gasped and felt my eyes widen as it finally clicked. I knew that this was aimed at me!

_**The smile when you tore me apart  
You took my heart,  
Deceived me right from the start.  
You showed me dreams,  
I wished they'd turn into real.  
You broke a promise and made me realize.  
It was all just a lie.  
Could have been forever.  
Now we have reached the end.**_

_**This world may have failed you,  
It doesn't give you reason why.  
You could have chosen a different path in life.  
**_

And I could have. I could have done things so differently. I could have saved us both hurt if I had just run from the forest and told her father what I had heard. He would have believed me instantly. He'd never had a reason to not trust me. Not until I betrayed Izzy.

She completely threw herself into the song now, pouring out all the pain and anger she had suffered because of me in her voice. She kept her eyes on me the whole time she sang. I could see the tears shining in her big brown eyes.

_**The smile when you tore me apart.  
You took my heart,  
Deceived me right from the start.  
You showed me dreams,  
I wished they'd turn into real.  
You broke a promise and made me realize.  
It was all just a lie.  
Could have been forever.  
Now we have reached the end.**_

Oh God! How much had I hurt her?! I felt as though my heart was trying to rip itself out of my chest.

How could I have hurt this beautiful girl?! I had to make it up to her somehow. I just had to.

The next song started, and I sighed. It was Who Knew? by Pink. I had listened to this song a lot after everything went down. It just summed up what had happened so perfectly. Only I imagined it coming from Izzy. And now it was. Why was life so fucked up? Oh yeah, cos I'm a fucking moron who destroyed his own happiness because of his own stupidity and some skank who wanted to hurt my best friend. What a mess.

I watched her singing and I felt so annoyed, watching her up there. Not at her, but at myself. I should have been there to see her transform into this beautiful girl. But, I repeat, I am a fucking moron.

The guitarist, Natasha, walked over to Izzy again and whispered to her again. Izzy gave a bright smile and nodded.

"Ok, this is our last song, people. Hope you enjoy it!"

No! Please don't stop singing yet! I could listen to you forever!

_**I was driving in my car,  
When I heard the loud guitar  
Of the band you used to hate  
You said so on our date**_

_**Well the song was really bad  
But it made me think of you  
I believe that what we had  
Was a miracle of two**_

_**I don't wanna know the reason why you ran away  
I don't wanna show the tears I shed on you**_

_**I'm moving on　I know I'm done  
I'll find a place where I belong  
I'm not afraid　Just like you said  
I've been disgraced just far too long**_

_**Why was it wrong to stay with you  
Why was it wrong to love you back  
I'm not the one who chose this way  
I'm not the one who pulled you back  
And now  
I'm still here**_

Izzy looked straight at me again, her eyes flashing with anger. And hurt.

_**Without you  
**_

Ah. So this was aimed at me again. This was to show me that she had moved on. Well, so she should have. Didn't stop me being annoyed at myself all the more though.

_**I was going for a walk  
When you called this afternoon  
"I don't know if we should talk  
But I have to see you soon"**_

_**Well you know that it's too late  
I have grown away from you  
And I closed my iron gate  
I'm better off alone**_

_**I don't wanna know the reason why you turned away  
I don't wanna show the blood I shed for you**_

_**I'm moving on　I know I'm done  
I won't look back until you're gone  
I'm not afraid　Just like you said  
I'll find my peace under the sun**_

_**Why was it wrong to touch your face  
Why was it wrong to keep my space  
I'm not the one who put you down  
I'm not the one who let you frown  
But now  
I'm still here　Without you**_

_**I know people like the games  
You can't make them stay the same  
I don't see how love can end  
We should all stop to pretend  
No more lies and no more pain  
I can't stop the fate again  
I will find my peace somewhere  
I will find a way - so I'll smile**_

She gave the most breath taking smile I'd ever seen. She smiled right at me, but she didn't look at me now. Her eyes were fixed on the crowd further out.

_**I'm moving on　I'm not afraid  
I'll find a place where I belong  
I know I'm done　Just like you said  
I've been disgraced just far too long**_

_**Why was it wrong to stay with you  
Why was it wrong to love you back  
I'm not the one who chose this way  
I'm not the one who pulled you back  
And now  
I'm still here**_

She looked up at met my eyes again.

I'm sure I must have looked like a total bastard. I couldn't contain my glare. But again, it wasn't aimed at her. I was glaring at life and fate for causing all this shit to happen. I was glaring at myself.

_**Without you.**_

As the song finished Izzy held her head up high and smiled out at the crowd.

"Thanks for listening, we've been Apassionata, and you've been a fucking awesome audience!"

The crowd cheered and yelled "Encore! Encore!"

Izzy walked over and put her guitar away before putting the microphones and stands away.

I watched as she hopped up onto the drummer's stool to reach the banner behind it.

I winched as Natasha smiled sweetly as she danced up to Izzy before she kicked the stool away.

To my shock Izzy squealed with laughter as she toppled backwards.

She landed in the drummer's arms as he caught her.

I used to do that. Catch her when she fell.

"Natasha!" he scolded, laughing. "You are such a bitch sometimes!"

"I know! I didn't even do anything!" Izzy giggled.

Natasha smiled and bounced off again.

"Umm...James, d'you mind putting me down now?"

"Oh! Sorry, Bellsy! Forgot about that!"

"Yeah right!" she called as he walked away after placing her on her feet. "You just wanted to feel me up, asshole!"

He turned to her and placed his hand over his heart, with a mock hurt expression on his face.

"Isabella! I would never do that! I'm a gentleman!"

Izzy snorted. "Gentleman my foot! You, James Nicholas Cottee, are not, I repeat not a gentleman! You are, in fact, a goddamn perv!"

He laughed and grabbed her and pulled her to him.

I think I growled a bit.

"I am not a perv!" he laughed.

"Urgh! You so are! I saw you staring when Tasha pulled my bikini bottoms down that time!"

"I was 17! What was I supposed to do?! I was a horny 17 year old boy, and there was this oh so sexy 17 year old girl, half naked in front of me! It would have been an insult not to look!" he cried indignantly.

Izzy just fell about laughing.

Once they had finished clearing up, they walked off stage and she looked straight at us.

Jessica and the others were watching her and sneering at her.

I just kept glaring. She had a boyfriend. He was the one who saved her now. He was the one who watched over her.

God, my heart hurt so much! I missed her more than anything. I had to make this right! Somehow!

_**

* * *

**_

**There you go sweeties! One new chappie for you!**

**There is a bit of a playlist. The first songs are the ones which we witnessed Bella sing. They are in order.**

**Escapist – NightWish. (although we don't see the lyrics in the chapter)**

**Angels – Within Temptation**

**Who Knew – Pink**

**Without You – Anna Tsuchiya**

**Then there are a couple of songs which inspire the chappie from Edward's point of view.**

**Watch Over You – Alter Bridge**

**Amazed – Lonestar**

**So, hope you enjoyed. The next chappie is in the works!!!!**

**Please review sweeties! I do so love it when you do!!**

**~ULTRAnumb**


	5. Bittersweet

**Bah. Apologizes for the lack of updates. Am at university, and have no free time.**

**It sucks.**

**Anyway, here is (finally) a new chappie of What I've Done. **

**Hope you likes! ^_^**

* * *

**E POV**

Izzy was here. At the same college as me.

I couldn't believe it. Maybe I finally had a chance to make amends for what I's done to her.

I sighed. I knew it would never be that simple or easy. I'd hurt her too much. I had seen it in her eyes when she had run away from me all those years ago.

I'd broken her.

* * *

I dragged myself out of bed the next morning, not looking forward to my first class. Mostly cos I was stuck with Mike, Jessica, Tyler, Jane and Tanya. God. I couldn't even escape them at college.

I was in such a bad mood that morning, at the prospect of having to face the whole day with the five people I hated most in the world, that I just threw on a white t-shirt, a pair of jeans, a dark green sweater and my old converse.

I walked out of my dorm room with Mike, when he finally dragged himself out of bed, and headed down to our first lecture. Music. God, the fact that I had retained one part of my old self was a blessing, as well as a curse.

We walked in a sat near the front of the class, in the second row. There were already a few people in the class, but I didn't bother looking at them.

After a while the rest of the class arrived, followed by the lecturer.

"Hey class! I'm Julian Precey, but you can call me Julian."

"Hmmm." Tanya hummed from beside me. "I think I just found a new project!"

She licked her lips as she gazed at the lecturer. I rolled my eyes. She was such a whore.

"So," Julian said, "I'm gonna call out your names, and I want you to raise your hand so that I can mark down where you are sitting, so I can learn your names."

He started reading out the list and we watched to see who people were.

"Cullen, Edward?" Julian called out.

"Here." I answered, raising his hand.

He continued calling out names and marking people down and I paid little attention. That is, until he called out a very familiar name.

"Swan, Isabella?" Julian asked.

My head jerked up, and I started looking around the room.

"Here." I heard a sweet voice call out from the back of the class.

I turned and looked directly at her as she answered.

She looked so beautiful.

_Stop it, Edward. Thinking like that won't help anything. You have no right to think of her like that. Or at all actually._

She stared straight back at me with defiance in her big dark eyes.

"Ok, now, who can play any instruments or sing?" Julian queried.

I raised my hand along with Jessica, and about another five people in the class, including Izzy and her friends.

"Miss...Swan?" Julian asked, "What can you play?"

She coughed slightly to clear her throat.

"Ummm, I play guitar, violin, drums, flute and piano. And I sing."

_Damn. That's a lot. And….piano. she plays piano!_

"A very accomplished young lady, then?" Julian asked with a happy smile.

She blushed and looked down at the desk.

"Yeah, she is." her friend, Tasha grinned. "But I think she's best at playing piano and violin. And the singing. But those are her best instruments. And that's saying something, cos she kicks ass on guitar!"

Julian laughed and then asked the other people with their hands in the air what they played.

I told him I played guitar and Jessica told him she sang.

_If you called wailing like a cat that was being swung around by its' tail, while on fire, singing._

Julian asked Jessica to stand up and sing for the class. I shuddered and tried to block out the sound.

"Thank you Jessica!" Julian said, with a forced smile. "Isabella? You are the other singer in the class; would you come and sing for us please?"

I twisted to look at her slightly. She was defiantly a singer. We had all heard that the night before.

"Sure." she said, giving him a sweet smile, "and please, I prefer Bella."

"Bella, sorry." he smiled.

She stood up and walked to the front of the class looking nervous.

"What would you like me to sing?" she asked sweetly.

"Anything you like, dear. Whatever takes your fancy."

She stood and thought for a moment, and then smiled slightly as she picked a song.

I shifted in my seat, leaning slightly forward, eager to hear her voice again.

_**There was a time when men were kind  
When their voices were soft  
And their words inviting  
There was a time when love was blind  
And the world was a song  
And the song was exciting  
There was a time  
Then it all went wrong**_

She glanced to the back of the class at her friends as she sang.

_**I dreamed a dream in time gone by  
When hope was high  
And life worth living  
I dreamed that love would never die  
I dreamed that God would be forgiving  
Then I was young and unafraid  
And dreams were made and used and wasted  
There was no ransom to be paid  
No song unsung, no wine un-tasted**_

The rest of the class were watching and listening with wide eyes. As was I.

_**But the tigers come at night  
With their voices soft as thunder  
As they tear your hope apart  
And they turn your dream to shame**_

Julian was staring at her in blatant awe. As was I.

_**He slept a summer by my side  
He filled my days with endless wonder  
He took my childhood in his stride  
But he was gone when autumn came**_

And still I dream he'll come to me  
That we will live the years together  
But there are dreams that cannot be  
And there are storms we cannot weather

Jessica was staring at her in pure hatred and jealousy.

_**I had a dream my life would be  
So different from this hell I'm living  
So different now from what it seemed**_

She looked over at me, and I knew I must be watching her with an almost curious look on my face.

I realised that she was singing this song at me, just as she had sung the ones the night before. This was again telling me how much I'd hurt her.

_**Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.**_

As she finished the whole class burst into cheers and claps, except Jessica and the others.

I wished I could. I wanted to be able to praise her on what she had become.

"Wow!" Julian cried, "Just, wow! What a beautiful voice!"

"Thank you." she murmured, blushing again.

She quickly scampered back to her table and hid behind her friend, James.

By the time the lecture finished, the whole class was in stitches. Julian was an amazing teacher. He certainly knew his music, and was serious about the subject, but he was funny and playful at the same time.

I stood up and slowly packed up my things.

"Bella?" Julian called, as Izzy past him.

"Yeah?"

"I just wanted to say again, how wonderful your voice is. It's so powerful for someone so small."

"Thank you."

"You must practice a lot."

"I do. I practice all my instruments a lot too. I make sure to practice each at least three or four hours a week."

I told the others to go ahead, and bent down behind my desk, pretending to re-tie my laces.

"Four hours a week on each instrument? My word! That's what? Twenty-four hours a week practicing!"

"Yep. I want to be good at them, and it makes me really happy to play. I love practicing. I have ever since I started learning. I've never seen it as a chore. It's what I love doing."

"How long have you played for?"

"Well, I started playing piano and guitar when I was 14, then I started having singing lessons when I was 15, I started violin the same time and started drums and flute about a year ago."

"Wow. I _am_ impressed! How well educated are you musically? What do you listen to?" he asked curiously.

"Most anything." she answered. "I love rock and metal, but I also love 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's, I like a bit of country, some jazz, bits of blues, swing, reggae, musicals and classical."

_She still liked the same kinds of music she used to. But she had never listened to rock or metal back then._

"Goodness!" Julian laughed, "You certainly have a wide range of musical tastes!"

"Yeah, my mum loves the older stuff, and my step-dad loves rock and metal. He introduced me to it all."

"What was the first rock or metal band he played for you?"

"Iron Maiden. I love them! Then it was Metallica, and we just went from there!" she chuckled.

"Christ. You have some great taste in bands! I love pretty much all rock and metal too."

"Have you ever heard of Within Temptation or NightWish?" Izzy asked him.

"No I haven't. What are they like?"

"They are both operatic metal really. Well, NightWish more so, or at least used to be until they got a new singer. I'm often told that I sound a lot like the singer of Within Temptation. We both have quite classical sounding voices."

"Hmm. They sound interesting. I'll have to check them out at some point."

"Well, I could lend you their CD's anytime. I have them all." she offered.

_Still as giving and selfless as ever,_ I thought to myself as I smiled.

"That would be great! Thank you." Julian answered.

"No worries. I'll bring a couple with me next lesson if you like?"

"Please. And thanks again."

After saying goodbye, she left the class to catch up with her friends, and I slowly stood up and grabbed my bag.

"Edward, isn't it?" Julian asked.

"Yeah."

"You played guitar, yes?"

"Yeah. Since I was 14." _Since I lost Izzy, and needed to focus on something other than the pain._

"Cool. Well, I'll be getting people to play their instruments next week, so I can see how good people are."

I nodded. "Cool."

"This will seem like a strange question," he started with a grin, "but have you ever thought of playing piano? It's just that you have really long fingers, and I think you would be quite good at it." he laughed. "Sorry, I just have a habit of looking at people's hands, as it can tell you a lot about what people either play, or could play"

I swallowed. "Ummm, I actually used to play…piano. Up until I was 13."

"Ah. Can I ask why you stopped?" he asked curiosly.

"Umm, I had some bad things happen. I lost someone I cared about, and I used to play piano all the time for her. After I lost her I just….couldn't play anymore. I'd think about it and feel ill. If I sat at the piano…I just kind of….froze." I murmured. I didn't know why I was telling him this, but there was something about him, that made me feel like I could. And he wouldn't judge me for it.

He smiled sadly at me. "I understand that. I used to play saxophone when I was younger, until my grandfather died. He taught me how to play, and I played for him the day he died in hospital. I couldn't bring myself to play after that. I eventually picked it up again, in his memory, but it took me ten years to do so. I totally get what you mean, about just freezing up. I'm sorry for the lose that caused you to stop playing." he finished, patting my shoulder.

He seemed like a really good guy.

"Thank you." I croaked.

"Well, off you go. I'm sure you have better things to do than think about painful memories. I'll see you next lecture."

"See you."

I walked out the room, feeling sad, but hopeful as well.

I turned a corner and saw Jessica pinning Izzy against a wall. I couldn't hear what was being said, but she was right in her face, and I saw Izzy say something to her, which caused Jessica to spit in her face. I clenched my fists as I stormed down the hall.

"Not a smart move, Stanley." I heard Izzy snarl.

Jessica just laughed in her face and pushed her harder against the wall.

"Jessica!" I snapped angrily.

Izzy opened her eyes and looked up to see me walking down the hall towards them.

"Eddie! You made me jump!" Jessica simpered. "Come to watch me put Swan in her place?"

"No. Now move."

"What? Why?"

"Just move, Jessica. The others are waiting for you. And you two. Go." I ordered gruffly.

Jessica and the others slouched off, looking annoyed.

"What, you wanted them to go so that you could take over instead?" Izzy hissed.

I was shocked at the amount of venom in her voice and glared at her.

"No, I told them to go so that they would leave you alone."

"Yeah, cos you've always wanted what's best for me haven't you?"

"I was trying to help you." I growled. I was a bit pissed off by her stand offish attitude, when I had just helped her.

"I don't need your help, Cullen. Believe it or not, I've learnt to defend myself."

"Bella!" a deep voice called.

I turned slightly to see her friend James striding towards us.

When he reached us he put his arm around Izzy's shoulder.

"You ok, babes?"

"Yeah, I'm fine honey."

I scowled at the way he was touching her.

"You can defend yourself?" I scoffed, "Or your boyfriend can defend you?"

"No, I think I was right first time. I can defend myself."

"So he is your boyfriend?"

"Why? What does it matter to you if he is or not?! You gave up any right to an opinion on my life the day you fucking stabbed me in the back!" she yelled angrily.

She had a point, but I wanted to try and apologize for what I'd done in the past. Her friend tried to take a step towards me, but Izzy stopped him.

"James, go on. I'll be right there."

He looked as though he wanted to argue, but he stepped back and started walking down the hall slowly.

"Izzy.."

"My name is Bella now. I'm not that girl anymore. And you have no say in what I do in my life. So just leave me alone Cullen. You _chose_ to give up the right to have any say in my life. Remember?"

I looked away and glared at the wall. I felt sick to my stomach. She was right again. And she was just reinforcing all the things I had already thought.

"And yes." she said softly as she started to turn away. "I can defend myself. It was something I had to learn the day I discovered that I couldn't even trust my best friend to defend me."

She walked away. I turned back to see the pain on her face, just as she turned.

I stared after her, trying to hold in the pain and guilt that threatened to consume me.

She caught up to James and gave him a sad smile. He didn't say anything, he just pulled her to his side and held her as they kept walking.

As the doors closed behind them, I finally gave in to the pain and guilt and collapsed to my knees in the hallway. There was no way I could ever make up for what I had done. I'd heard in her voice with the last sentence she uttered.

'_Something I had to learn the day I discovered that I couldn't even trust my best friend to defend me.'_ She had said.

I should have defended her. I shouldn't have let Jessica control me.

But I had. And there was nothing I could do to chance that.

* * *

**Voila! Another chappie for you my dears!**

**What did you think?**

**Please review. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when you do!**

**LOL!**

**(Btw, when I finish the story, I will be putting up a list of the songs I used to write this.)**

**~ULTRAnumb**


	6. Bollocks!

Fuuuuuuuuuck!

I am such a terrible person guys.

It has been soooooooooooo long since I wrote anything. I'm soooooooo sorry guys! (if anyone still bothers to even look at these) Basically, life sucks and my muse sucks even harder. I WILL, I swear I WIILL, continue all my stories soon.

I have ONE problem though. All the notes I had for them are on my laptop. And it won't log in. Fuck. So, due to how long it's been, I actually can't remember where they are going. Or in some cases, I kinda can, but can't remember any of the filler ideas I had. I either need to get my laptop working again, or try and re-write them after what I have. Or maybe entirely…. Not sure. Hm. I'll let you know. All I can say is, I WILL start writing again. I love my stories, and I so want to finish them. I hope you can all understand, and that you all forgive me. Almost three years. Fuck. I'm SO sorry to all the wonderful people who read and reviewed them all. I only hope I can do you all proud one day with them. xxx

~ ULTRAnumb xxx


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